Glamdrew's Guide To Dying
I will never forget the moment I met Andrew Henderson. It was in my hotel room in Toronto. He glided into the room wearing a black fur coat of epic proportions, donning a moustache that would put any highway patrol officer to shame and bright pink lipstick that immediately made me realize that I am indeed a 'basic bitch'. He held up a huge bottle of champaign and with the biggest smile upon his face exclaimed "CHEERS"! His presence was all encompassing and I loved it! Our conversation was enlightening, hilarious and beautifully bad ass... as is his blog post. Enjoy
Glamdrew’s Guide to Dying
Just to clear the air, when the Sickbaes chatted with me, I was in remission, since then my prognosis has shifted back to terminal. Throughout my cancer treatment all I wanted to read was a pamphlet that encouraged my party girl life. Instead I was faced with info guides telling me to paint, or try yoga, or to strive for a healthier stable diet. Listen, that is obviously the right choice, and my advice should not trump your doctor’s, but there’s more to life than what’s right. So let me share the party favours of life by telling you how to die. This is the official guide to face your death with as much grace and dignity as Kim Kardashian on the cover of Vogue. Take it with a grain of salt, I’m sure not everyone is a fabulous as me, but I encourage all attempts. So welcome and congratulations, if you're reading this you're probably part of the lucky few who’s facing their own mortality. Good news, you probably have more than a few days, so follow this guide religiously to ensure that the rest of your life is nothing but pure gold.
First off, take a page out of a Cleopatra’s hieroglyphs and dress for battle. Once the word is out that you’re dying, you will have to face so many sad, pitiful, well-intentioned eyes that you’ll want to go even sooner. Luckily, there’s no such thing as bad attention, so you better look fierce so that your fans have something to compliment. Invest in more sequins; more fur; more black; more gold; more diamonds than ever before; and all the barbie pink lipstick you can afford. Add a dash of fringe, some Moschino sneakers, and as much Chanel as you can handle.
Now that you're dressed, it time to develop a runway walk. Move like you have purpose - you’re dying, not dead, so move your body like the soon-to-be divine being you are. A confident walk will take the healthy from pity to jealous in 3 simple steps. If you’re lost on your walk, take a look at Kate Moss in 2001 Gucci Spring Show designed by Tom Ford, she’s the right spice for the situation.
You’ve got a look, you’ve got the runway strut, now plan to attend events to be seen at. Arrive late, obviously, in fur, obviously, and head straight to the bar. Make sure that someone you know is in you're path so you can “bump” into them and make a huge deal that they're there. Trust me, when someone sees you making the moment and says “Who is that?”, their reaction to your demise should only be an expression of utter disbelief. Gasps are the only acceptable reaction when you walk into a room.
Now the absolute only beverage you can be seen drinking is Champagne, even if you can’t actually drink, talking about champagne sets the tone to your image. Nothing is more fabulous and nothing is more sliming. Can’t you just imagine me in a fur jacket and a bottle of champagne? How could you not be shocked that I’m the recently soon-to-be deceased.
Here are some quick tips for instant success - always have a manicure, because you’ll be waving goodbye a lot; the dying have a hard time with their sex lives but that’s no excuse, you can still catfish like everyone else online; Never order the food on the menu at a restaurant, ask for a simple dish that the chef will make up just for you, don’t settle for any experience that isn’t unique.
And one extra final piece, because nothing is ever final - take extreme pleasure in planning the funeral of your dreams. I’m looking forward to being embalmed in a massive champagne bottle, attending my own burial party, and planning outfits for all the attendants. There is never an excuse for a good party. Death is a much of a celebration as birth, and should be respected in the same way.
Don't miss out on Andrew's episode. Listen here!