I'm A Proud Trans Woman.
After I found out I was going to be on Sickboy, I was super excited. Excited to help shed a little light on a very grey and sensitive area. I was with a few friends later that evening and we were discussing the podcast when one of them stated - "but you're not sick”. This got me to thinking, I don't feel like I'm sick. I don't think I'm sick... Am I sick? I am sick. When I was 4 years old, I told my grandmother I was sick because God was mean because he made me a boy. There I was, a 4 year old transgender girl who didn't even know.
Growing up, I was fuelled by barbies, dressing up as a chica, the aliens movie and the little mermaid. Just like Ariel, I wanted to lose the tail. My closest friends at the time were all girls. I was more comfortable telling stories with our barbies than roughhousing outside. It wasn't until grade 3 where I became good friends with a guy. We were close all throughout junior high, where I was obviously labeled as a closet fag. It sucks being bullied. I knew I liked guys, but I alway pictured myself as a girl in my daydreams. I had no idea that I was trans, so at that time I felt like I was a prisoner in my own body. Always wishing I'd wake up and look like Lizzy McGuire.
I came out as bisexual when I was sixteen, I felt like it was easier admitting that than wanting to be a girl. After receiving so much support from my friends, I decided it was time to tell my mom. She took it well, but asked me "why would you pick such a difficult road for yourself?". For me this was the easy road, having complete freedom with my sexuality. With that freedom I was able to explore and discover myself. Throughout that exploration, I realized I liked black dresses, and little black dresses. With my new found confidence, it was to my shock that my friends began to push me away. Leading up to a point where my best friends told me to conform or to fuck off. Fucking off seemed like the better option. Being a bisexual 16 year old was okay but being trans was not. That's when the insecurities started forming, I was exposed and vulnerable. I didn't let it break me, I couldn't let it break me.
It wasn't until a few months later I had found friends that I felt comfortable with again. With those new friends I found the confidence to keep pushing myself. I felt strong again. Being in my last year of high school I was only really out to my immediate family; my mamma, my little brothers, my stepfather and our 2 pugs. I wasn't ready to handle more rejection from people I cherished in my life like my dad and grandmother. I was happier to wear black pants and a grey shirt than have them reject me. When I graduated I headed to Montreal for school and really felt like I was reborn. It was a beautiful thing, having acceptance. One by one my closer friends all moved back to their home towns, I lost my job, I wanted the ocean, I wanted Nova Scotia. After being more or less on my own for 2 years and still being closeted to my dad, telling him was the hardest thing I’ve done. Expecting rejection and receiving acceptance. With all of my family knowing, I changed my name, I got a job at a swanky little cafè and met some incredible people. Most importantly Kathryn and her wife Elizabeth. Kathryn was a humble, sincere and beautiful trans woman. She was kind enough to not only refer me to her psychologist to get me started on my hormone therapy but also paid for my first few sessions, my fairy god mother of sorts.
After going on hormones and having estrogen running through my veins, I had swag. I was working on my fitness and had the greatest set of girlfriends a trans girl could ask for. I started going out downtown more, meeting more awesome and accepting pals. That is until the lines started getting a little blurred. When everything sexual has a label, it's like a straight line that you shouldn't stray from. What happens when you start to have feelings for one of your best friends and you feel they're mutual? After losing my sanity and contemplating if I even wanted to continue transitioning, I decided I needed to mend my emotions and put my best foot forward. Was I playing dress up for the last 5 years? Am I a man in a dress? Is my tuck good enough? Am I good enough? I went off hormones so i could have clarity. In that time I've realized I am comfortable with my body. Even though it's not the body I was born into, it’s the body I have. I've learned to never let anyone affect who I am. To be honest and sincere and direct with my word. Having a higher appreciation of my value. As well as the value of people around me. Everyone deserves and should receive acceptance, don't be an idiot.
I am Brandy Marien and I'm a proud trans woman.
Listen to our conversation with Brandy here!