Eye Jizz

WARNING The following blog post contains some ultra gnarly photos of an extremely severe eye infection. They are amazing and for some they will be absolutely gag inducing. Totally worth it.

A Bike Trip: Eye infection to Depression

"I set out to open my eyes to the world, but came back nearly blinded by it."

Two years out of university, I had had pinched enough pennies for my massive bike trip to and through Latin America. I wanted to learn a new language, experience a different way of living and answer burning questions about economic disparity and the environment. My goals were lofty, but I was full of energy and excitement. Nothing could stop me.

6 months later, I scrambled to fly home after an eye infection had eaten through my cornea, severely scarring it.

I set out to open my eyes to the world, but came back nearly blinded by it.

F***.

Luckily that didn’t happen immediately. I had over 8,000km of riding under my saddle before the infection, and what a ride that was. Initially, I pushed hard, looking to show strong progress biking down the Pacific Coast. I had a fan club back home and did not want to disappoint them. To me, this progress by bike was analogous to my progress in life: always moving forwards, always with a goal and an endpoint in mind.

As I rolled through Mexico though, my attitude began to change. Maybe it was the exhaustion of sequential 100km days. Perhaps though, I realized how many things I was missing along the way. I began stopping earlier each day; to experience holidays bringing small towns together, to set up camp before sundown, to simply rest. Travel slowed, blog updates dwindled, and a better travel experience filled in. I was becoming a kinder man; kinder to myself in particular. A man learning to let go of expectations.

After 4 months in Mexico, I crossed the border on a rough road into the north of Guatemala, excited for a new normal. That excitement and positive energy, though, were immediately met with the pain and irritation of a scratched cornea, likely caused by a contaminated contact lens. In hindsight, I should have used daily contacts or glasses on the trip. I should have discussed this with my optometrist. Idiot.

I took my contacts out and rode to the next town, Playa Grande Izcan. Popping an acetaminophen and ignoring the pain, I bought food for the evening and continued down the road to a beautiful jungle with a round, crystal clear lake. In hindsight, I should have loosened my plan and immediately gone to a doctor. Idiot.

As I hiked through the thick jungle at sunset, sweat ran down my face and into my eyes. In hindsight, with that painful eye, I should not have wiped it with with my dirty sleeve. In hindsight, I should not have gone swimming in that lake. Submerging my head and wiping my eyes could have easily added fuel in the infection. Idiot.

Eventually, I did make it to a doctor, but not before an extremely aggressive strain of bacteria had frigging carved an ulcer halfway through my cornea. The pain was immense(!!) and the visual, when I finally decided to take photos, was disgusting. I watched at a white blob of pus grew, grew and grew consuming my eye. I was scared.

Luckily, the Guatemalan doctors were able to manage the infection and I safely made it back to Canada. When I was fully healed, despite having permanent vision loss, I returned to Central America, and finished the bike tour. But that’s not where my story ends.

Monthly contact lenses on a bike trip? In a tropical area where everything, plants, fungi and bacteria included, wants to kill you? Not going to the doctor when something was clearly wrong? Introducing obvious sources of infection? I felt like an absolute idiot admitting these mistakes. Day in, day out, I blamed myself for my vision loss.

And I continued to blame myself. After the eye infection I ran head-on into heartbreak, career uncertainty and more health issues. ‘What if’ I handled that romantic connection differently, ‘what if’ I did say yes to that amazing career opportunity? Those ‘what if’s and unforgiving self-blame consumed my mind for months triggering a deep, scary depressive state. Not wanting to get of bed. Thoughts of self-harm. As a relentlessly positive person and thinking back to the lighthearted days riding through Mexico, I never believed I could feel that. Living in Nicaragua at the time, I decided it would be best to come home.

In recent months, I had a Penetrating Keratoplasty (PK) surgery to help correct my vision. It’s wild! Look it up. The real healing though is coming from speaking openly and honestly about these events. Each time I tell the story I am greeted with compassion, playing an enormous role in helping me shed my self-blame and regret. Thank you Jeremy, Brian and Taylor for providing the Sickboy podcast as another venue for telling this story. Really. Serious progress since this recording.

As a quick update on where I am in the world: I’ve moved to California to chase my professional ambitions in the renewable energy sector. I’ve also retired my bike for now and have picked up rowing crew.

- Kevin

Eye Jizz

***WARNING*** The following blog post contains some ultra gnarly photos of an extremely severe eye infection. They are amazing and for some they will be absolutely gag inducing. Totally worth it.

A Bike Trip: Eye infection to Depression

"I set out to open my eyes to the world, but came back nearly blinded by it."

WARNING The following blog post contains some ultra gnarly photos of an extremely severe eye infection. They are amazing and for some they will be absolutely gag inducing. Totally worth it.